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批改一篇學生寫的 GRE AWA 作文, [2004/5/20]
下面是一篇 我的 GMAT學生伊格言的 GRE 寫作,他請我幫他修改並供大家參考。 格言是新銳青年作家,對文章結構有他自己的看法,所以我只幫他改文法及用詞和句型。

GRE Issue 第25篇 "No matter what the situation, it is more harmful to compromise one's beliefs than to adhere to them."

25、不管在什麼樣的情況下,妥協總是沒有堅持好。

格言的原文:

The problem is apparently not so easy as shown. In fact, as many other burgeoning problem in the modern society, this problem has its base—so called “Modernity”—the alienation and isolation coming with the modern era. As we know, since the Enlightment Movement and Industry Revolution in the west, society structure has faced a serious change. It’s a blizzard of human life and a great upheaval of human mind. As the Sun and the Moon ambling in the sky, the previous leisure life where people got used to breathing in has changed into an artificial “modern” life now. Just in that, a more bizarre status human life has fallen into an environment of isolation, alienation, and the loss of authenticity and pristinity. No longer do people be familiar with the thriving land, the other amicable people, and even themselves.

Yes, modernity—this is just the core of modern society. Only to realize the fact can we probe and illuminate the center of modern institution and structure rather than be lost in the puzzle.

And it is so called “situation” in the issue topic. Existing in the modern society, human beings are not individuals isolated any longer, but individuals leading their lives in the raptures among doctrines, institutions, moral attitudes, and so on. In this sense, it’s impossible for an individual to ignore the many limits around him in the circumstances. The first problem is, however, “what is the substantial meaning of the word “harmful” in the issue topic?”

A harm in moral? A harm in intellect? Or, a harm in the field of economy?(This is the most often “harm” in the capitalism society.) That is to say, the connotations hiding between the topic lines are sort of obscure and eqivocal. In other words, a decision made by one might leads to a corruption in moral and an interest in commerce,or an achievement in intellect and a dilemma in moral at the same time.

That is the question. As far as the given issue statements are concerned, the utterings in the topic is obviously too obscure to judge for us. Namely, if we want to discuss the prblem on the “harm”, we may have to divide it into several categories so that we we can commit the discussion meaningfully. Despite this, we still have to face the second implication in the topic sentence:What’s the explicit meaning of the word ”compromise”?

The answer to this question may be clearer than that to the first problem—to compromise to the institutions, or to compromise to the systems, etc. In a word, that is to compromise to “modernity”, the monstrous chains said by the famous postcolonial professor Edward W. Said.—if the “belief” uttered in the topic just contradicts the modernity.

After illuminating the background problems, now we can try to answer the topic issue question really. Is it always harmful for one person to adhere to his beliefs when ignoring the real situation around him? If you refers to the menifest “real interest” in our modern society, I thought that I woud answer “Yes, it’s harmful”. On the other hand, if you does not refer to a “real interest” but somothing else, such as moral field and so on shown as the former, I thought that I would answer “It depends”. In fact , the problem is apparantly not so easy as shown in the topic statements indeed—In other words, if we cannot condition the real meaning in these words, maybe we can paraphrase the topic sentence like this: "No matter what the situation, is it more harmful to compromise one's beliefs than to adhere to them? In my view, I don’t think so; As a matter of fact, these are not relevant."

我改過之後如下:

The problem is apparently not so easy as shown. (※我不懂你這裡的the problem是什麼意思。這個命題中並無敘述有任何「難題」。如果你是要講:「世間問題通常都沒有表面所看的那麼容易,英文是:Problems are often not so easy as they appear to be.」;我不建議人家寫apparently not .... as shown. 這兩個字都有「看起來」的意思,這樣子擺在一起有點重覆。以下我只照你的意思給你修改文法。) In fact, like many other burgeoning problems in a modern society, this problem has its base on the so called Modernity —the alienation and isolation that comes (這裡我用單數,將兩者視為一個概念) with the advent of the modern era. (※不過你這句話我看不太懂) As we know, since the dawn of the Enlightenment Movement and Industrial Revolution social structures in the west have undergone dramatic changes Our civilization has witnessed enough blizzards and upheavals. As time went by, the previous leisurely tempo with which we led our life has been changed into an artificially “modern” one Just in that, a more bizarre status human life has fallen into an environment of isolation, alienation, and the loss of authenticity and pristinity. (這段我看不太懂你要寫什麼。isolation, alienation,兩字已出現過,就不要再重覆). People no longer feel that there are bonds between them and the land that shelters them, feeds them. They don’t understand other people any more, even themselves.

Yes, modernity—this is just the core of all the problems that our modern society faces. Only by realizing this fact can we start to probe the problem and cast light on the ways to its solution rather than get lost in the maze.

And it is the so called “situation” in the issue topic that is at issue. Maintaining a precarious existence in the modern society, human beings are not individuals isolated any longer (這句的 isolation跟前面的說法矛盾), but individuals finding their lives pressed in the nooks and crannies between doctrines, , moral attitudes, systems and institutions and so on. In this sense, it’s impossible for an individual to ignore the many restrictions put on him by the circumstances. The first problem is, however, “what is the substantial meaning of the word “harmful” in the issue topic?”

A harm to morals? A harm to the intellect? Or, a harm to one’s economy? (This is the most often used sense of “harm” in a capitalistic society.) That is to say, what’s implicit between the lines of the topic is sort of obscure and equivocal. In other words, (That is to say, 跟 in other words 不要放在相連的兩個句子中;想辦法只用其中一個)a decision made by one might leads to a corruption in moral and an interest in commerce,or an achievement in intellect and a dilemma in moral at the same time.(※這段我看不太懂)

That is the question. As far as the statements in the issue are concerned, the meaning in the topic is at once too obscure for us to guess at . That is to say (※Namely 不要放在句首,且前面要已大略指出「對象」,後面則最好是名詞語或子句)if we want to discuss the problems about the “harm or harms”, wemust ( must是speaker’s authority;have to則是external authority) break it into several sub-categories so that we can engage the discussion in a meaningful way (或a way that makes sense). Despite this, we still have to face the second implication in the topic sentence:What’s the explicit meaning of the word ”compromise”?

The answer to this question may be easier than to the first one —to compromise to the institutions, or to compromise to the systems, etc. In a word, that is to compromise to “modernity”, or to follow from the famous postcolonial professor Edward W. Said, the monstrous chains, —if the “belief” uttered in the topic just contradicts the modernity. (※這段我看不懂你的意思)

After making clear these essential background problems, now we can really start to try to answer the topic issue question. Is it always harmful for one person to adhere to his beliefs while ignoring the real situation around him? If you refers to the manifest (※不過我不知你用這個字要講什麼意思) “material interests” in our modern society, I think that I woud answer “Yes, it’s harmful”. On the other hand, if you does not refer to a “real interest” but somothing moral or spiritual, I think that I would answer “It depends”. In fact , the problem is not so easy as shown in the topic statements. Indeed, if we cannot clearlydefine the real meanings of these words, maybe we can paraphrase the topic sentence like this: "No matter what the situation, is it more harmful to compromise one's beliefs than to adhere to them? My answer is: No. It really doesn’t concern me that much what the situations are. My beliefs are what really count”"

下面是一篇 我的 GMAT學生伊格言的 GRE 寫作,他請我幫他修改並供大家參考。 格言是新銳青年作家,對文章結構有他自己的看法,所以我只幫他改文法及用詞和句型。

GRE Issue 第25篇 "No matter what the situation, it is more harmful to compromise one's beliefs than to adhere to them."

25、不管在什麼樣的情況下,妥協總是沒有堅持好。

格言的原文:

The problem is apparently not so easy as shown. In fact, as many other burgeoning problem in the modern society, this problem has its base—so called “Modernity”—the alienation and isolation coming with the modern era. As we know, since the Enlightment Movement and Industry Revolution in the west, society structure has faced a serious change. It’s a blizzard of human life and a great upheaval of human mind. As the Sun and the Moon ambling in the sky, the previous leisure life where people got used to breathing in has changed into an artificial “modern” life now. Just in that, a more bizarre status human life has fallen into an environment of isolation, alienation, and the loss of authenticity and pristinity. No longer do people be familiar with the thriving land, the other amicable people, and even themselves.

Yes, modernity—this is just the core of modern society. Only to realize the fact can we probe and illuminate the center of modern institution and structure rather than be lost in the puzzle.

And it is so called “situation” in the issue topic. Existing in the modern society, human beings are not individuals isolated any longer, but individuals leading their lives in the raptures among doctrines, institutions, moral attitudes, and so on. In this sense, it’s impossible for an individual to ignore the many limits around him in the circumstances. The first problem is, however, “what is the substantial meaning of the word “harmful” in the issue topic?”

A harm in moral? A harm in intellect? Or, a harm in the field of economy?(This is the most often “harm” in the capitalism society.) That is to say, the connotations hiding between the topic lines are sort of obscure and eqivocal. In other words, a decision made by one might leads to a corruption in moral and an interest in commerce,or an achievement in intellect and a dilemma in moral at the same time.

That is the question. As far as the given issue statements are concerned, the utterings in the topic is obviously too obscure to judge for us. Namely, if we want to discuss the prblem on the “harm”, we may have to divide it into several categories so that we we can commit the discussion meaningfully. Despite this, we still have to face the second implication in the topic sentence:What’s the explicit meaning of the word ”compromise”?

The answer to this question may be clearer than that to the first problem—to compromise to the institutions, or to compromise to the systems, etc. In a word, that is to compromise to “modernity”, the monstrous chains said by the famous postcolonial professor Edward W. Said.—if the “belief” uttered in the topic just contradicts the modernity.

After illuminating the background problems, now we can try to answer the topic issue question really. Is it always harmful for one person to adhere to his beliefs when ignoring the real situation around him? If you refers to the menifest “real interest” in our modern society, I thought that I woud answer “Yes, it’s harmful”. On the other hand, if you does not refer to a “real interest” but somothing else, such as moral field and so on shown as the former, I thought that I would answer “It depends”. In fact , the problem is apparantly not so easy as shown in the topic statements indeed—In other words, if we cannot condition the real meaning in these words, maybe we can paraphrase the topic sentence like this: "No matter what the situation, is it more harmful to compromise one's beliefs than to adhere to them? In my view, I don’t think so; As a matter of fact, these are not relevant."

我改過之後如下:

The problem is apparently not so easy as shown. (※我不懂你這裡的the problem是什麼意思。這個命題中並無敘述有任何「難題」。如果你是要講:「世間問題通常都沒有表面所看的那麼容易,英文是:Problems are often not so easy as they appear to be.」;我不建議人家寫apparently not .... as shown. 這兩個字都有「看起來」的意思,這樣子擺在一起有點重覆。以下我只照你的意思給你修改文法。) In fact, like many other burgeoning problems in a modern society, this problem has its base on the so called Modernity —the alienation and isolation that comes (這裡我用單數,將兩者視為一個概念) with the advent of the modern era. (※不過你這句話我看不太懂) As we know, since the dawn of the Enlightenment Movement and Industrial Revolution social structures in the west have undergone dramatic changes Our civilization has witnessed enough blizzards and upheavals. As time went by, the previous leisurely tempo with which we led our life has been changed into an artificially “modern” one Just in that, a more bizarre status human life has fallen into an environment of isolation, alienation, and the loss of authenticity and pristinity. (這段我看不太懂你要寫什麼。isolation, alienation,兩字已出現過,就不要再重覆). People no longer feel that there are bonds between them and the land that shelters them, feeds them. They don’t understand other people any more, even themselves.

Yes, modernity—this is just the core of all the problems that our modern society faces. Only by realizing this fact can we start to probe the problem and cast light on the ways to its solution rather than get lost in the maze.

And it is the so called “situation” in the issue topic that is at issue. Maintaining a precarious existence in the modern society, human beings are not individuals isolated any longer (這句的 isolation跟前面的說法矛盾), but individuals finding their lives pressed in the nooks and crannies between doctrines, , moral attitudes, systems and institutions and so on. In this sense, it’s impossible for an individual to ignore the many restrictions put on him by the circumstances. The first problem is, however, “what is the substantial meaning of the word “harmful” in the issue topic?”

A harm to morals? A harm to the intellect? Or, a harm to one’s economy? (This is the most often used sense of “harm” in a capitalistic society.) That is to say, what’s implicit between the lines of the topic is sort of obscure and equivocal. In other words, (That is to say, 跟 in other words 不要放在相連的兩個句子中;想辦法只用其中一個)a decision made by one might leads to a corruption in moral and an interest in commerce,or an achievement in intellect and a dilemma in moral at the same time.(※這段我看不太懂)

That is the question. As far as the statements in the issue are concerned, the meaning in the topic is at once too obscure for us to guess at . That is to say (※Namely 不要放在句首,且前面要已大略指出「對象」,後面則最好是名詞語或子句)if we want to discuss the problems about the “harm or harms”, wemust ( must是speaker’s authority;have to則是external authority) break it into several sub-categories so that we can engage the discussion in a meaningful way (或a way that makes sense). Despite this, we still have to face the second implication in the topic sentence:What’s the explicit meaning of the word ”compromise”?

The answer to this question may be easier than to the first one —to compromise to the institutions, or to compromise to the systems, etc. In a word, that is to compromise to “modernity”, or to follow from the famous postcolonial professor Edward W. Said, the monstrous chains, —if the “belief” uttered in the topic just contradicts the modernity. (※這段我看不懂你的意思)

After making clear these essential background problems, now we can really start to try to answer the topic issue question. Is it always harmful for one person to adhere to his beliefs while ignoring the real situation around him? If you refers to the manifest (※不過我不知你用這個字要講什麼意思) “material interests” in our modern society, I think that I woud answer “Yes, it’s harmful”. On the other hand, if you does not refer to a “real interest” but somothing moral or spiritual, I think that I would answer “It depends”. In fact , the problem is not so easy as shown in the topic statements. Indeed, if we cannot clearlydefine the real meanings of these words, maybe we can paraphrase the topic sentence like this: "No matter what the situation, is it more harmful to compromise one's beliefs than to adhere to them? My answer is: No. It really doesn’t concern me that much what the situations are. My beliefs are what really count”"

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